Yikes!
by Winter Jackson
Summary: A few of the times of Hermes's run-ins with Artemis—some literal, some tense, some humorous. Dedicated to krikanalo. Oneshot.


"_HERMES_!" Artemis screamed from her room in Olympus. The sound reverberated all around Olympus, and everyone froze at the thought of the enraged goddess.

Said god of messengers paused in his conversation on his phone. "Something came up. I'll call you later," he said somewhat calmly. A_ beep_ signalled that he had a text:

From: Apollo

_DUDE! RUN IF U LIKE TO BE ALIVE! O.O_

Hermes chuckled at his half-brother's text, shutting off his phone. Artemis appeared in front of him in her sixteen-year-old form...with purple hair...and etheral green eyes...and a murderous expression on her face. "_What did you DO_?!" she screamed at him, enraged.

Pretending to be surprised, Hermes raised his eyebrows. "I like the new look, Artemis. You look like Hecate."

Artemis stuttered in her rage, pausing. She knew Hecate held a lot of appeal for the rest of the gods. Artemis would definitely admit Hecate was very pretty. She shook her head, her rage returning. "I don't care what I look like! I want my normal look back! And if I have to torture the information out of you, so help me Zeus _I will_!" she yelled in his face.

Hermes had a mixture of fear and confusion on his face, the latter of which was faked. "Wait, wait, you say that you don't care what you look like, so why do you want your normal look back?"

Artemis stomped her foot like a petulant mortal child. "Urgh! You stupid, son of a Minotaur..." She proceeded to run through so many insults in at least five different languages that Hermes lost count around fifty-four. He had a mild look of fear and amusement. "You put purple dye in my shampoo!"

Hermes now really _was_ confused. "Huh?" He'd thought it was the conditioner.

"Don't you _dare_ play games with me, Hermes!" she screeched.

Hermes backed away. "Look, Artemis, I really have no idea this time," he pleaded. "I'm late for a business meeting anyway. I'm sorry about your lovely locks, but I gotta go."

Artemis let out a shriek of rage as she brought down her bow like it was a baseball bat over his head, but he simply disappeared. Artemis's bow thudded on the ground with enough force to crack the marble.

Hermes mentally snickered at the mental image of Artemis's face.

* * *

Hermes ran quickly towards the Olympian meeting, uttering curses to himself as he was cutting it _really_ close. The minor gods stared at the white-and-navy blur as he tore through the streets of Olympus in an effort to make it on time.

_BAM_!

Hermes flew backwards from the force of the collision of something. There was a quiet yelp of surprise from said something, and Hermes realized it was a person—god, whatever.

"Hermes!" Artemis panted. In response, Hermes groaned. "Hermes?"

"What the heck hit me?" the dazed god said.

Artemis looked sheepish as she leaned over the god who was flat on his back, her auburn hair falling out of its messy bun. "That would be me. I was trying to get to the Throne Room on time."

"Same," Hermes groaned, sitting up, rubbing his head. "Jeez, you're as solid as a rock!"

Artemis raised an eyebrow.

"Aw, crap. Forget I said that," he said, looking like he wanted to die from saying that. Artemis snorted.

"C'mon, Hermes, thanks to both of us, we'll both be late," Artemis grumbled as Hermes hauled himself up. Her silver eyes were narrowed in annoyance, but they were shining with mirth.

* * *

Hermes's head jerked up as he heard insults being screamed at him. _What did I do now?_ he wondered. Hermes shut off his phone and changed it into a caduceus, and teleported to Artemis's location.

"Ok, so, what's—_OH MY GODS_!" Hermes said, slapping his hands over his eyes. "Tell me you're not in pink, Artemis. _Please_ tell me you're not really in pink and I've just suddenly developed color blindness. Oh, and calling me a mutt? Seriously? Look, it's the pot calling the kettle black!"

One of the Hunters let out a choked laugh. "Amen, brother!" Thalia's voice called out, quivering with mirth. "I originally wasn't going to point that out, but..."

"Since I've already thrown myself under the bus you figure that at least you won't be going down alone?" Hermes guessed, still with his hands over his eyes.

Thalia made a noise of agreement. "Something like that."

"Ok, so, um, by my reaction, Artemis, have you gotten into your head that, um, maybe I really didn't do this one?" Hermes asked.

"That's what you said about the purple hair incident!" Artemis screeched.

Hermes sighed. "Ok, that one was me. I thought the shampoo was the conditioner though. It would've washed out faster if it was the conditioner. And no offense, but if I was going to make you dress in that kind of clothes, I would've made them a navy color. Not pink. Pink only looks good on little mortal girls and perhaps Aphrodite. Okay?"

There was dead silence.

Hermes threw up his hands, his eyes squeezed shut. "If I'm going to make you wear something other than silver, Artemis, I'd make you wear something that you actually look good in because I know you hate being stared at by guys! Is that enough proof?!"

Phoebe sighed. "He has a point, milady."

"A very valid point," one of the other Hunters said reluctantly.

Artemis huffed. "If it wasn't you, then who was it?"

Hermes shrugged. "I'd say your brother or Aphrodite. It's only those two that know your size of clothes, after all. And Apollo would probably get you something saying that the sun is awesome."

He could practically feel the glare that Artemis was sending him. "You want me to confront _Aphrodite_?!"

Hermes snapped open his eyes and glared at her. "You wanted my guess on who made you look absolutely horrid in pink clothes, and I gave you my guess, Artemis. I prank you and the Hunters to give you some levity in your life, and heaven knows I'm not as smart as Athena or as deadly as you, but I know that humor is good for the soul, and I would die laughing seeing you trying to glare at every guy in the mortal world for looking at you the wrong way, and knowing that you can't kill them with witnesses around. I didn't tell you to do anything, Artemis! I actually try to stay on your good side for the most part and not bug you too much unlike your twin, who regurally gets shot at. Okay?! So if you want to accuse me of something, accuse me of something valid, like stealing Thalia's wallet—which is awesome, by the way—" he tossed Thalia's wallet back to her, which she caught in surprise, "—but don't mistake my respect for you as fear and unlike some of the gods, I refuse to be used as a doormat," he finished coldly. "In the meantime, I have another business meeting to attend."

Artemis watched Hermes go in shock.

* * *

Artemis stared at herself in shock.

She was wearing a navy blue, loose, three-quarter length, shirt that was off her right shoulder. She had on white cargo pants and silver flats with a charm anklet around her left leg. Her hair was up in a messy bun with an arrow holding it together, and two of her loose curls framed her face.

"Milady? Are you okay?" Thalia's voice called out.

Artemis's voice was hesitant. "I—I think so."

Her Lieutenant sensed her hesitation. "May I come in?"

"Uh...yes?"

Thalia peeked into her mistress's tent and gaped. "Milady..."

"Uh-huh..." she agreed.

Thalia suddenly burst out laughing, doubling over. "Girls! Come look! Hermes's got Artemis looking like a model!" Not two seconds later, six heads popped into Artemis's tent and instantly had their jaws dropping on each other's heads. Thalia was reminded of cartoons where three or more people all had their heads stacked on each other when they were peeking around a wall or doorway. Phoebe was the first to start laughing at everyone's—including Artemis's—shocked faces.

Artemis sighed in exasperation. "Okay, Hermes has had his fun. I'm taking these off now..." She pulled the arrow out of her bun carefully and set it on her nightstand, her auburn hair tumbling around her shoulders. As soon as her hand left the arrow, her hair magically re-did itself, the arrow going through her bun again like it'd been shot by a bow. Thalia hid a laugh behind her hand. Artemis stared at her reflection in exasperation. She took off one of her flats and threw it away from her, nearly hitting one of her Hutners. In fact, it disappeared with a light _pop_ right in front of said Hunter's nose and reappeared on Artemis's foot.

Now _all_ of the Hunters were stifling laughs at their mistress's predicament.

"Okay, Hermes! You've had your fun! Now put me back in my regular clothes!" Artemis yelled to the top of her tent.

"Nuh-uh. I find it hilarious. Besides, I couldn't do it anyway. This lasts for a full twenty-four hours," Hermes said from the corner of her tent, laughing.

"What?!" Artemis shrieked. "These clothes aren't practical!"

Hermes shrugged. "They won't get ruined no matter what you do to them. You could take off your shirt and put it through a shredder and it would come out just fine."

Artemis groaned. "Can you at least give me more practical shoes?"

Hermes shook his head, grinning mischieviously. Artemis groaned again.

"What's the matter, Artemis? You can still shoot. The clothes are loose enough so that you can still do your acrobatics," Hermes said mildly, laughing at Artemis's irritation.

"I'm not used to them, Hermes, that's what's the matter. I don't feel comfortable doing anything except possibly screaming at you that you dared do this," Artemis said flatly.

Hermes snorted softly. "You seem like you're really up for a hunt. Or even a scream."

**A/N:**

**Aye yi yi, this is my average length, and it _sucks. _Am I the only one that doesn't really like this all that much? Yes, I hinted a little bit at Hermes/Artemis, but obviously it could never be. I know I definitely got Hermes in character, but I'm not so sure about Artemis. I might end up re-doing this all together. Any thoughts on that?**

**Ok, yeah, I'm really disappointed in myself. Bye.**

**-Winter**


End file.
